Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Hidden Depression

I did not realize how sneaky depression can be until I started doing things, saying things to myself, and seeing a pattern in behavior that seemed to point a finger to the big "D" word.

No one likes to admit they are depressed. It sounds bad. It can be deterimental to your health and wellbeing. When you are outwardly happy, you are secretly crying inside.

I am incredibly Blessed. I have an amazing husband. An amazing family and friends I can count on both mine and my husbands toes and hands that I will have for a lifetime. We live a comfortable life. I am inlove.

My first job out of highschool was in a retirement home and I felt like up until 2008 that working with senior citizens was what I was going to retire doing. I moved to Roseburg, OR the fall of 2006 and landed a job as a CNA at what I would call the best place to work in Roseburg. My co-workers/bosses were family, sisters.....they are family and they are sisters-STILL!

I remember taking care of one particular woman who basically hated me. Over time we developed this love/hate relationship but I remember her accusing me of not caring and hinted around that this kind of work did not seem like something I wanted to do. I remember thinking she does not know me, how does she know who I am, she does not know what she is talking about....

Well, she was right. I think she saw right through my eyes, that I had settled for something I was not suppose to do. Even through the smiles and kind gestures, she saw a girl/woman who was desperatley searching for purpose and belonging.

We eventually accepted one another and eventually we found ourselves at her dresser where she showed off old jewerly from years back and trips to other countries. She reminded me of one of those old 1920's actresses with the long cigarettes and fancy clothes that said "darling" all the time. She was every bit a woman of glamor and prestige. She had seen it all, done it all, been it all. She was everything I DID NOT want to be. In the midst of that, I admired her fiestiness and zest for life even though she was incredibly miserable. The truth is, we were both miserable.

Arguments turned to laughs and laughs turned to serious conversations about the future. She asked me often about the future....kids, college, work, etc....

In every way possible this woman made me turn inward, made me turn to God and ask....is this where I am suppose to be? Is this your plan for me?

The response was overwhelming. I was not where I was suppose to be. In the excitment of feeling this, I made plans to get a huge degree and be this incredible huge career woman and then the door slammed in my face. However, it was gentle at the same time because God is not mean when he interupts our plans.

Ok, so, I resigned from my job, Im back in college, now what?

Since then I got into the Early Chilldhood Education Program to become an instructional assistant and get my Associate of Applied Science Degree. I started September of 2008 and now it is September 2009. It has been an emotional rollercoaster.

Ive always tried to find the easy road to things because the hard ways seem like a set up for failure. For some reason this degree seems so out of my reach and it's making me question my capabilites and even my purpose yet again......

Who am I? What am I? What am I suppose to do in this life?

It didnt help this past summer with my mom's health. Our world turned upside down.

So when you put family crisis on top of quarter life crisis you get....DING DING DING- DEPRESSION.

This uncertainity in myself and where I am suppose to be has made me turn to my pastime CHILDHOOD comfort---->Food.

Bad day at school, kids made me feel like crap......the fridge was always there. It never said a word. It just opened itself up and let me take it all in.





Loss of interest

I think about the woman I was when I met Steven, when I fell inlove, when I was planning my wedding, when I lost nearly 50 pounds. I want her back but in a 2009 version.

I need to turn to Jesus, the Bible, friends, and family when I am feeling hopeless instead of listening to my interal dialogue and turning to other worldy comforts. I am not going to find my purpose in cookies.

Thankfully, I have not got off the band wagon too much that my clothes dont fit but I feel disgusting inside. I feel like my mind is merky and muddy. I feel longing in my heart. My skin, bones, muscles, whole body feel polluted. This explains this un-attached feeling I have been having from myself.

It's like Im not in my body. Im not connected anymore. My brain is sending messages to no where.....

I can only go UP from here.

Since I have left my job, this particular woman has passed away. I did not cry but I was a bit sad. She did not have a memorial and Im not sure I would have been able to attend if she did have one but......in her memory, I would say she was a woman who had been from one side of the earth to the other, she had the finest things that life could buy, her social life was that of a celebrity and yet in the end she was depressed and miserable. She has taught me that no degree, life plan can bring you happiness or purpose. It doesnt matter what you did/do but who you were/are.

Maybe I am searching for some job or materlistic object that is going to cure me? Could that be why I am depressed? Because I am searching for something empty that appears full?

Maybe my sense of purpose will come when I hear someone call me "mom".

Someday some CNA will be in my room and I wonder what kind of relationship we'll have. Will I throw my bedpan at her or will I teach her something valuable.....

Maybe I'll do both.

1 comment:

Shawnee said...

Good post hon. Love you. :)