Wednesday, October 28, 2009

All I want to say is.....

I love my mom and dad very much. I am very Blessed to have them as parents.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Breaking the Cycle

So my husband didnt like the idea of locking up his food and I actually felt weird about it too.
Instead of locking the cupboard we just seperated our food.  I know it probably sounds strange but if my healthy shredded wheat cereal is within inches of his cocoa pebbles, well...I am going to want cocoa pebbles. Now, I know where the naughty cupboard is BUT...I am less inclined to go WHERE I HAVE GONE BEFORE AND REGRETED IT (LOL!).

Emotional eating is an addiction. You cant just stop one day. I have discovered that you have to get to the root of the problem otherwise you will keep turning to your old ways. This last week has been spent investigating my behavior in the last year and really trying to understanding what is going on in my mind and heart.

I am determined to be healthier for the right reasons and the only way is to STOP putting bandaides on things.

The Culprit:
-Being depressed as a CNA/Medaide
-Feeling inadequate at my job
-Feeling like my purpose was to do something else in life
-Quitting my job at Bridegwood
-Starting college again
-Feeling overwhelmed and stressed with classes
-Still feeling like I wasnt doing what I was suppose to be doing in life while in college
-Traumatic summer of 2009 for my family
-Aftereffects of traumatic summer and quitting school

The summer of 2009 actually ended in the most amazing way!!!!!!!!!!!! Jesus healed my mom and everything is how it should be! It is a miracle!!!!!! I am happy but also for some reason still doing things I did this summer to cope with the stress. I think my caffiene, fat, and calorie intake went up this past summer and just stayed up. I went to those things instead of God at times.

Now that I have quit school to pursue my dreams, I am happy, but also still afraid of the unknown. That has made me anxious and overwhelmed. I think I overloaded on starbucks this past week and caused massive pain in my left breast where my lump is. It's my fault.

Jesus has shown me the root of it all and the pattern in my life I keep going through. Age 25 might just be the age where everything surfaces and I am finally healed.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Just His Footprints

Worship at church this morning nearly brought tears to my eyes and the message was everything I needed to hear.

No matter what mistakes we make or how negative we feel about ourselves, Jesus is there to remind us we are forgiven and to lift us up.

My whole life I have felt that perfection was the only way to Christ. I have even had debates with friends and even my husband about what it means to be saved. I just didnt understand how we could truly be saved if we give our hearts to God and then turn our backs from him and sin willingly. I didnt think I could ever be truly saved because I constantly sin. My husband, pastor, parents, and friends have witnessed to me about Jesus' grace and mercy. No matter how far down I am and no matter how much I have screwed up, I am forgiven.

For years I have been struggling with myself, life, etc....and this year of 2009 seems to be a year of breaking through the junk that I have stockpiled. Perhaps 2009 and age 25 is the time in my life when I can break free of the chains that have tied me down. I feel like Jesus is doing something incredible in my life but in the midst of it is pain and turmoil. I feel like it's all part of the process though. I just need to turn to Jesus instead of other worldy comforts to get me through the process.

I want to make this life about Jesus and not me!!!!!!!!!! Today I feel so refreshed because Jesus is with me on this journey!! He is healing me!! He is preparing me for my purpose, my roles.....

I am reminded of the Footprints in the Sand poem. For so long I have felt that I was alone and had slipped away from Jesus but today He showed me that He is carrying me. He is carrying us through the storm! See His Footprints in your life!

I am just so thankful for the rest of this year and the rest of the time I have at age 25 to move past this phase in my life. It's time to wake up each morning with purpose, thankfulness, peace, happiness even in the midst of the storm.

My husband is making breakfast and for some reason is smells like a turkey dinner. The smells remind me of family and the holidays coming up. I cant wait for the warmth of my parents home as we celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas. I can see the tree with the lights and feel the coziness of curling up on the couch to watch our favorite Christmas movies. More importantly, the reason for the season!

Saturday, October 24, 2009

R.I.P Old Self

Wow, what an emotional roller coaster week!

I went Christmas shopping, quit school, announced my true feelings and desires about just wanting to make art/sell art and be a mommy, layed around feeling sorry for myself, cried, laughed, drank my last espresso, dyed my hair auburn, got my hair thinned out a little, bought the movie Coraline and some things to make me happy, ate naughty food, haven't exercised, and realized today that life needs to start because it's not stopping for me!!!

It's time to lay everything at the Lord's feet (and stop talking about it) and let Him carry me home and lead the way.

I need my life back! I need a new life with Christ!

Yesterday I discovered a little neighborhood in Roseburg near downtown by the courthouse. It was a neighborhood with old victorian style houses on a hill with like 20-30 stone steps going to the front doors. Each one had a cute porch that was decorated with halloween decorations. I just wanted to live in one and have my morning coffee on the porch......

Further down the road I came to an OLD cemetary, like 1800's old. Curiousity got the best of me and I found myself jogging up the path that cut through the wooded cemetary. It totally looked like a scene from a scary movie. I always get this strange feeling in cemetaries like something mysterious is there. I instantly turn into Sherlock Holmes and each tombstone holds information, secret information.....

I think its just the aura that cemetaries have....

God also reminded me of life. I realized my like was fading quicky and each moment/day shouldnt be wasted.

Here I am wasting it away.....

This week I am making an appointment with my doctor concerning the lump she found. It hurts really bad. Im sure it's just the caffiene I had this last week in protest of being told not to drink it. But I want to be sure.

I am also going to get a Nutrionist. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I dont know what it means to eat healthy because my idea of it is so warped. My idea of eating healthy is practically starving myself and then my idea of treating myself is practically eating a whole cake. So where is the middle ground? I dont know? I have struggled with this my entire life and Im dying from the struggle. Mentally and physically dying to be thin. It's time to be healthy for the right reasons.

I cleaned out the cupboards and fridge of caffiene and anything else that is detrimental to my health, including locking up Steven's food. I am buying a lock tomorrow.

I am definitley in a storm right now and I know God is leading me through it. We'll see what the rest of 2009 and 2010 brings.

I am thankful for my husband who has been so understanding and lovingly stern with me. It was nice to talk to him today, cry, and make no sense at all. He just listened and then prayed. I realized I wanted him to fix it and so he actually gave me some advice about how to feel better.

My husband's advice:
-Read my Bible/strengthen relationship with God/PRAY
-Stop making so many to do lists (he is right)

My husband, family, and friends have been wonderful. I am Blessed.

I am looking forward to quality time with family and friends this holiday season and just taking it easy the rest of the year with Christ.....

I am on the road to healing of mind, body, and soul with Christ as my healer........

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Who Are You?

After listening to sermons and praying Ive been feeling this overwhelming sense of life and what it is about. Im not going to claim to know everything but I feel deep down that this message has some truth to it.......
I felt so compelled this morning to blog because God has just been clearing my mind and showing me things that leave me thinking, wondering, amazed.....

When you clear back the rubble in your mind, pull the blinds up on your eyes, disinfect your heart, and dust everything off you see a true picture of this life, who you are, and how as humans we have muddied up everything.

We wake up every morning and we consume our lives with bills, our jobs, school, making money, bitterness towards co-workers or anyone for that matter, daily commutes, time (being late for something), our weight, and so much more. All of these things can leave us in a anxiety, stressed riddled state of mind.

Yes, there are bills to be paid, jobs we need to go to, money that has to be made, places we need to be, and we should be healthy is not about what we do, it's who we are. Our jobs are merely places we go to make money because we live in a world that has price tags on homes, food, etc. We can love our jobs and go to school to earn a degree BUT that isn't the meaning of life....

I know not everyone will agree with this but for me, personally, I have to live by this standard......

......I have had to learn that if I didnt choose to go back to school to get a degree, that would have been OK. I am on the path to getting a degree BUT Im really looking forward to my job as a mother. I will be an Instructional Assistant on the side and in my spare time make art and try to sell it at art fairs, and even dabble in some writing. I would love to write a book, just because. I think it would be fun to write childrens books and get them put into a book but not neccesarily have them read by everyone in the world. Maybe just share them with friends and family. 

I just want to be a servant of Christ (to the best of my ability), a Wife, a Mother, a Daughter, a Friend, and then a worker.....

The number one jobs we have on this earth are to be followers of Christ, mothers, fathers, daughters, sons, wives, husbands.....

Relationships can be so neglected because we make so many other things more important.

There are days like today where the rain is coming down and it's warm inside. Im inspired to write, read, work on art and I think moments like those should not be ignored. I think those times are glimpses of who we are. They are passions that we have that make US. Sometimes we have to put those things on the backburner because we have jobs, etc...but dont leave them on the back burner too long!

Make sure that each day or as often as possible you let yourself be free, spend time with Jesus in prayer or in the world,  learn how to take time for yourself, engage in relationships,  do simple things like take a walk and smell flowers....

It is possible to slow down. God gives us permission. We need to stop worrying about tomorrow.

This is all easier said than done but I feel in the very center of my heart and soul that it is neccesary and vital. My episodes of depression are true testaments to how putting God on the backburner destroys us mentally and phsically.

P.S. I am not saying that it is bad to have a BIG career, etc. Please dont take me the wrong way. Without people like this we wouldnt have Doctors and Surgeons. Jesus created these people to do what they do. College and big degreees are not bad :) For me personally, Ive learned having a big degree and a career isnt for me and people shouldnt have to feel like it is required to be a good citizen. Whether you work at a Mill, Gas station, Grocery Store, etc...YOU HAVE A PURPOSE! NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO FOR A LIVING! Im content with an Associates Degree and working at a school, helping little children read.....thats all :)

Sunday, October 11, 2009

So Thankful

So I have been in this funk for awhile. Between family crisis and college I have been an emotional wreck.

I have been a little out of control in the health department as well. Sometimes stress makes us eat whatever is lying around. In my case, it was my husband's food which are the staples: Macaroni and Cheese, Top Ramen, etc. I was also drinking a lot of coffee which made me feel on edge and anxious.

In the midst of all this I was still exercising but it wasn't enough.

Last week I hit rock bottom. I had enough. I totally needed God to rescue me from self destruction. Ive only been in school for 2 weeks and my stress level went to the max! I also still felt like I was recovering from my emotional summer. I AM SO THANKFUL THAT MY MOM IS WELL NOW but the pain endured during my mom's time in the hospital was more than I could bear. All the encouragement from MY HUSBAND, FAMILY, AND FRIENDS has been amazing!!!!!!! More importantly I feel like God just restored my heart, soul, and mind. I called Him and He answered!

I am so Blessed and have so much to be thankful for. I really am happy with my life.

I wish I was done with college, starting a family right, and all that good stuff but it's God's timing, not mine. I want to finish school. I can finish school.

Of course I am human and Im going to have bad days but I need to be honest with my friends and family so that they dont get the impression that my life is perfect, peachy keen. We all need to be able to relate together. Im inspired now to be real with my friends and family. I want them to know me inside/out. I want my friends and family to feel like they can confide in me and I want to encourage them when they are having bad days!

I am on Day 5 of Healthy Living. I went grocery shopping and stocked up on fruits, veggies, and other healthy foods. I also skipped coffee for 3 days! I noticed a difference!!!! Im going to work on cutting my coffee WAAAAAAY back. I have also been exercising, which I have never had an issue with. I feel good inside :)

This weekend was like warm chicken noodle soup for my soul.

Had a great weekend with my hubby! Enjoyed the beautiful fall weather! Cooked and baked! Decorated the house for fall!!! Talked to family and friends!!! Stopped and smelled the roses!!!

I pray everyone else has a great week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Hidden Depression

I did not realize how sneaky depression can be until I started doing things, saying things to myself, and seeing a pattern in behavior that seemed to point a finger to the big "D" word.

No one likes to admit they are depressed. It sounds bad. It can be deterimental to your health and wellbeing. When you are outwardly happy, you are secretly crying inside.

I am incredibly Blessed. I have an amazing husband. An amazing family and friends I can count on both mine and my husbands toes and hands that I will have for a lifetime. We live a comfortable life. I am inlove.

My first job out of highschool was in a retirement home and I felt like up until 2008 that working with senior citizens was what I was going to retire doing. I moved to Roseburg, OR the fall of 2006 and landed a job as a CNA at what I would call the best place to work in Roseburg. My co-workers/bosses were family, sisters.....they are family and they are sisters-STILL!

I remember taking care of one particular woman who basically hated me. Over time we developed this love/hate relationship but I remember her accusing me of not caring and hinted around that this kind of work did not seem like something I wanted to do. I remember thinking she does not know me, how does she know who I am, she does not know what she is talking about....

Well, she was right. I think she saw right through my eyes, that I had settled for something I was not suppose to do. Even through the smiles and kind gestures, she saw a girl/woman who was desperatley searching for purpose and belonging.

We eventually accepted one another and eventually we found ourselves at her dresser where she showed off old jewerly from years back and trips to other countries. She reminded me of one of those old 1920's actresses with the long cigarettes and fancy clothes that said "darling" all the time. She was every bit a woman of glamor and prestige. She had seen it all, done it all, been it all. She was everything I DID NOT want to be. In the midst of that, I admired her fiestiness and zest for life even though she was incredibly miserable. The truth is, we were both miserable.

Arguments turned to laughs and laughs turned to serious conversations about the future. She asked me often about the, college, work, etc....

In every way possible this woman made me turn inward, made me turn to God and this where I am suppose to be? Is this your plan for me?

The response was overwhelming. I was not where I was suppose to be. In the excitment of feeling this, I made plans to get a huge degree and be this incredible huge career woman and then the door slammed in my face. However, it was gentle at the same time because God is not mean when he interupts our plans.

Ok, so, I resigned from my job, Im back in college, now what?

Since then I got into the Early Chilldhood Education Program to become an instructional assistant and get my Associate of Applied Science Degree. I started September of 2008 and now it is September 2009. It has been an emotional rollercoaster.

Ive always tried to find the easy road to things because the hard ways seem like a set up for failure. For some reason this degree seems so out of my reach and it's making me question my capabilites and even my purpose yet again......

Who am I? What am I? What am I suppose to do in this life?

It didnt help this past summer with my mom's health. Our world turned upside down.

So when you put family crisis on top of quarter life crisis you get....DING DING DING- DEPRESSION.

This uncertainity in myself and where I am suppose to be has made me turn to my pastime CHILDHOOD comfort---->Food.

Bad day at school, kids made me feel like crap......the fridge was always there. It never said a word. It just opened itself up and let me take it all in.





Loss of interest

I think about the woman I was when I met Steven, when I fell inlove, when I was planning my wedding, when I lost nearly 50 pounds. I want her back but in a 2009 version.

I need to turn to Jesus, the Bible, friends, and family when I am feeling hopeless instead of listening to my interal dialogue and turning to other worldy comforts. I am not going to find my purpose in cookies.

Thankfully, I have not got off the band wagon too much that my clothes dont fit but I feel disgusting inside. I feel like my mind is merky and muddy. I feel longing in my heart. My skin, bones, muscles, whole body feel polluted. This explains this un-attached feeling I have been having from myself.

It's like Im not in my body. Im not connected anymore. My brain is sending messages to no where.....

I can only go UP from here.

Since I have left my job, this particular woman has passed away. I did not cry but I was a bit sad. She did not have a memorial and Im not sure I would have been able to attend if she did have one her memory, I would say she was a woman who had been from one side of the earth to the other, she had the finest things that life could buy, her social life was that of a celebrity and yet in the end she was depressed and miserable. She has taught me that no degree, life plan can bring you happiness or purpose. It doesnt matter what you did/do but who you were/are.

Maybe I am searching for some job or materlistic object that is going to cure me? Could that be why I am depressed? Because I am searching for something empty that appears full?

Maybe my sense of purpose will come when I hear someone call me "mom".

Someday some CNA will be in my room and I wonder what kind of relationship we'll have. Will I throw my bedpan at her or will I teach her something valuable.....

Maybe I'll do both.