R.I.P Old Self

Wow, what an emotional roller coaster week!

I went Christmas shopping, quit school, announced my true feelings and desires about just wanting to make art/sell art and be a mommy, layed around feeling sorry for myself, cried, laughed, drank my last espresso, dyed my hair auburn, got my hair thinned out a little, bought the movie Coraline and some things to make me happy, ate naughty food, haven't exercised, and realized today that life needs to start because it's not stopping for me!!!

It's time to lay everything at the Lord's feet (and stop talking about it) and let Him carry me home and lead the way.

I need my life back! I need a new life with Christ!

Yesterday I discovered a little neighborhood in Roseburg near downtown by the courthouse. It was a neighborhood with old victorian style houses on a hill with like 20-30 stone steps going to the front doors. Each one had a cute porch that was decorated with halloween decorations. I just wanted to live in one and have my morning coffee on the porch......

Further down the road I came to an OLD cemetary, like 1800's old. Curiousity got the best of me and I found myself jogging up the path that cut through the wooded cemetary. It totally looked like a scene from a scary movie. I always get this strange feeling in cemetaries like something mysterious is there. I instantly turn into Sherlock Holmes and each tombstone holds information, secret information.....

I think its just the aura that cemetaries have....

God also reminded me of life. I realized my like was fading quicky and each moment/day shouldnt be wasted.

Here I am wasting it away.....

This week I am making an appointment with my doctor concerning the lump she found. It hurts really bad. Im sure it's just the caffiene I had this last week in protest of being told not to drink it. But I want to be sure.

I am also going to get a Nutrionist. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I dont know what it means to eat healthy because my idea of it is so warped. My idea of eating healthy is practically starving myself and then my idea of treating myself is practically eating a whole cake. So where is the middle ground? I dont know? I have struggled with this my entire life and Im dying from the struggle. Mentally and physically dying to be thin. It's time to be healthy for the right reasons.

I cleaned out the cupboards and fridge of caffiene and anything else that is detrimental to my health, including locking up Steven's food. I am buying a lock tomorrow.

I am definitley in a storm right now and I know God is leading me through it. We'll see what the rest of 2009 and 2010 brings.

I am thankful for my husband who has been so understanding and lovingly stern with me. It was nice to talk to him today, cry, and make no sense at all. He just listened and then prayed. I realized I wanted him to fix it and so he actually gave me some advice about how to feel better.

My husband's advice:
-Read my Bible/strengthen relationship with God/PRAY
-Volunteer
-Stop making so many to do lists (he is right)

My husband, family, and friends have been wonderful. I am Blessed.

I am looking forward to quality time with family and friends this holiday season and just taking it easy the rest of the year with Christ.....

I am on the road to healing of mind, body, and soul with Christ as my healer........